If you find yourself rereading texts, bracing for someone to pull away, or feeling like you care more than the people you love, you are not broken. You are someone whose nervous system learned, early on, that closeness was not always reliable. That learning makes sense, and it can change.

When clients are curious about fixing an anxious attachment style, I reframe the word fix. You are not a machine with a faulty part. You are a person who can build new experiences of safety, slowly, until your body starts to trust them. That process has a name: earned security.

Key Points

Anxious attachment is a learned response to inconsistent care, not a character flaw.
Earned security means you can develop a secure way of relating even if you did not grow up with it.
The shift happens through repeated experiences of feeling safe, seen, and soothed, not through trying harder.
Your body and nervous system are part of this work, not just your thoughts.
Therapy can offer a steady relationship where new patterns can take root.

Anxious Attachment: What It Looks Like vs. What It Feels Like

The outside and the inside often do not match

What others may see

Texting again to smooth things over
Reading tone into every short reply
Giving a lot, asking for little

"You seem so easygoing."

What you actually feel

A pit in your stomach when they go quiet
Replaying the conversation for clues
Quiet certainty that you are too much

"Please do not leave."

If the inside column feels like you, you are not needy, you are responding to old learning, and that learning can shift. Talk it through in a free consult

What anxious attachment actually is (and why fixing it is the wrong word)

Attachment is the set of expectations we form about whether closeness is safe and whether our needs will be met. When care was warm but unpredictable, many people learn to stay alert to connection, to scan for signs of distance, and to work hard to hold on. That is anxious attachment, and it is an understandable adaptation.

I avoid the word fix because it suggests something is defective in you. Nothing is. Your responses were smart, given what you lived through. The goal is not to erase them but to give your system new, repeated evidence that closeness can be steady.

Insecure attachment patterns are associated with a higher risk of depression and other mental health struggles (Herstell et al., 2021; Dagan et al., 2018). That is not a verdict about you. It is a reason to take this gently and seriously at the same time.

Earned security: how to move toward a secure attachment style

Earned security is the idea that you can develop a secure way of relating even if your early life did not hand it to you. People do this all the time. It does not require a perfect childhood or a perfect partner.

What it requires is repeated experiences of feeling safe with another person, of being upset and then soothed, of reaching out and being met. Over time, those experiences accumulate, and your body begins to expect them. This is the heart of how to fix anxious attachment style, except it is less fixing and more relearning.

Often this relearning happens inside relationships: a steady friend, a patient partner, or the consistent relationship you build with a therapist. Each reliable interaction is a small correction to an old expectation.

Wondering if this is something therapy could help with?

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Why your body is part of the work

Attachment lives in the body as much as the mind. The clenched jaw, the racing heart when a call goes unanswered, the urge to fix things immediately, these are nervous system signals, not logic. You cannot reason your way out of a feeling that lives below words.

This is why I bring a mind-body lens to this work, alongside EMDR and Internal Family Systems (IFS) Therapy. Before I was a psychotherapist I worked as a massage therapist and acupuncturist, and I saw how much our stories are held in the body. Practices that calm the body, including mindfulness, may help reduce anxiety for many people (Goyal et al., 2014; Hofmann et al., 2010).

When your body learns it can settle, you have more room to respond rather than react. That space is where new attachment patterns can grow.

The inner parts that drive the anxious reaching

In IFS, we understand the anxious pull as a part of you trying to protect you from an old fear, usually the fear of being abandoned or unlovable. That part is not the enemy. It has been working overtime for years.

When we turn toward that part with curiosity instead of judgment, it tends to soften. Self-compassion is consistently linked with lower distress (MacBeth and Gumley, 2012), and harsh self-criticism tends to make the anxious cycle louder. Many people who reach for others also carry low self-worth, which is itself linked to anxiety and depression over time (Sowislo and Orth, 2013).

EMDR can help when current relationship triggers are tied to specific painful memories, especially when early experiences left a lasting mark (McKay et al., 2021). The aim is to let the old charge settle so the present can feel like the present.

What it takes, honestly

Moving toward earned security takes time and a willingness to feel uncomfortable in small doses. You practice tolerating the pause before a reply instead of filling it. You practice naming a need directly instead of hinting or testing. You practice staying with yourself when the urge to chase rises.

Connection itself matters here. Isolation is hard on us, while steady relationships support our wellbeing (Holt-Lunstad et al., 2015). For couples, structured approaches that focus on emotional bonds, like emotionally focused therapy, have research support (Rathgeber et al., 2019).

If you ever feel unsafe with yourself or are thinking about harming yourself, please reach out to the 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline. This kind of inner work deserves support, not isolation.

Managing Anxious Attachment vs. Healing Toward Security

Two different ways to live with the same starting point

Managing the anxiety

Monitoring the relationship constantly
Suppressing needs to avoid conflict
Waiting for proof you are safe

"I am keeping the peace."

Earned security after the work

Asking for what you need and trusting it lands
Soothing yourself when worry rises
Closeness that does not cost your sense of self

"I can stay with myself and stay connected."

The right column is learnable, and you do not have to build it alone. Book a free 20-minute consult

You don't have to figure this out alone

A free 20-minute video consultation is a no-pressure way to start, and to see if we are a good fit.

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Frequently Asked Questions

How do you fix anxious attachment style?

Rather than fixing it, you build earned security through repeated experiences of feeling safe and met in relationships. This often happens through steady friendships, a patient partner, and therapy that addresses both the thoughts and the body. It takes time, and small consistent shifts add up.

Can anxious attachment really change in adulthood?

Yes. Earned security means people can develop a more secure way of relating even without a secure childhood. New, reliable relational experiences can update the expectations your nervous system formed early on.

What kind of therapy helps with anxious attachment?

Approaches that work with both emotion and the body tend to help, including EMDR and Internal Family Systems, along with a mind-body lens. For couples, emotionally focused therapy has research support (Rathgeber et al., 2019). The right fit matters more than any single method.

How long does it take to move toward a secure attachment style?

There is no fixed timeline, because it depends on your history, your current relationships, and how often you get to practice. Many people notice small changes within a few months and deeper shifts over a longer stretch. Steady, repeated experiences matter more than speed.

Is anxious attachment the same as having anxiety?

Not exactly. Anxious attachment describes a pattern of relating to closeness, while anxiety is a broader experience. They can overlap, and insecure attachment is linked with a higher risk of depression and anxiety (Herstell et al., 2021), but they are not the same thing.

Sources

Herstell, S., Betz, L. T., Penzel, N., Chechelnizki, R., Filihagh, L., Antonucci, L., & Kambeitz, J. (2021). Insecure attachment as a transdiagnostic risk factor for major psychiatric conditions: A meta-analysis in bipolar disorder, depression and schizophrenia spectrum disorder. Journal of Psychiatric Research, 144, 190–201. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.jpsychires.2021.10.002

Dagan, O., Facompré, C. R., & Bernard, K. (2018). Adult attachment representations and depressive symptoms: A meta-analysis. Journal of Affective Disorders, 236, 274–290. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.jad.2018.04.091

Goyal, M., Singh, S., Sibinga, E. M. S., Gould, N. F., Rowland-Seymour, A., Sharma, R., Berger, Z., Sleicher, D., Maron, D. D., Shihab, H. M., Ranasinghe, P. D., Linn, S., Saha, S., Bass, E. B., & Haythornthwaite, J. A. (2014). Meditation programs for psychological stress and well-being: A systematic review and meta-analysis. JAMA Internal Medicine, 174(3), 357–368. https://doi.org/10.1001/jamainternmed.2013.13018

Hofmann, S. G., Sawyer, A. T., Witt, A. A., & Oh, D. (2010). The effect of mindfulness-based therapy on anxiety and depression: A meta-analytic review. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, 78(2), 169–183. https://doi.org/10.1037/a0018555

MacBeth, A., & Gumley, A. (2012). Exploring compassion: A meta-analysis of the association between self-compassion and psychopathology. Clinical Psychology Review, 32(6), 545–552. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.cpr.2012.06.003

Sowislo, J. F., & Orth, U. (2013). Does low self-esteem predict depression and anxiety? A meta-analysis of longitudinal studies. Psychological Bulletin, 139(1), 213–240. https://doi.org/10.1037/a0028931

McKay, M. T., Cannon, M., Chambers, D., Conroy, R. M., Coughlan, H., Dodd, P., Healy, C., O'Donnell, L., & Clarke, M. C. (2021). Childhood trauma and adult mental disorder: A systematic review and meta-analysis of longitudinal cohort studies. Acta Psychiatrica Scandinavica, 143(3), 189–205. https://doi.org/10.1111/acps.13268

Holt-Lunstad, J., Smith, T. B., Baker, M., Harris, T., & Stephenson, D. (2015). Loneliness and social isolation as risk factors for mortality: A meta-analytic review. Perspectives on Psychological Science, 10(2), 227–237. https://doi.org/10.1177/1745691614568352

Rathgeber, M., Bürkner, P.-C., Schiller, E.-M., & Holling, H. (2019). The efficacy of emotionally focused couples therapy and behavioral couples therapy: A meta-analysis. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 45(3), 447–463. https://doi.org/10.1111/jmft.12336

Colleen Canyon is a licensed clinical social worker and psychotherapist based in Jersey City, NJ, working online with adults across New York, New Jersey, and Vermont. She uses EMDR and Internal Family Systems with a mind-body lens to help people with anxiety, relationships, and self-doubt. Before becoming a therapist, she practiced as a massage therapist and acupuncturist.

This article is for educational purposes and is not a substitute for individualized clinical care or a diagnosis. If you are in crisis, call or text 988 (the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline) or seek immediate help.

How to Address Anxious Attachment Style: A Path Toward Earned Security